What's over when the fat lady sings?
The aggressive marketer thinks he knows. So does the con man.

Apparently it is interpreted by the consumer as a shrinkage of the waistline, rather than shrinkage of his / her wallet. If so, the national obesity fight is providing myriad opportunities for legal scams by con men.

Resulting from the widespread appeal of keeping one's stomach from looking like a deflated clown balloon, it is amazing to what lengths some weight-loss promoters--both the legitimate marketer and the con man--will go to achieve such desired results. From advertisements surveyed from the pages of national magazines--and particularly the supermarket tabloids--comes a compendium of really unconventional (read, downright weird) ways to win the obesity battle: "Lose weight the quick, easy, painless way," they cajole. Ready to lose? (Which way do you mean that? you ask.) Ponder these methods for physical weight reduction:

> Your appetite suppressed by way of a lip balm? Whenever you get hungry--for a meal or snack--you merely apply this product to your lips, and, voila, appetite curbed. (In counterpoint you could simply forget the whole thing. Just rationalize. Say to yourself, "I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.")

> The Hula Hoop is back, suggested as an excellent means for extracting globs of spare-tire flesh from your gut and hips. (Con man emergence again?) This is an approach that might not be too far off base, if you think your vascular system could support the rigors of such vigorous mid-section undulations. If you plan on doing this for any length of time it's probably best to first check with your doctor for an O.K.

> Have at your digestive system with determination by wearing Slim Slippers. Through use of magnets and reflexology technology, to manipulate your nervous system, these are purported to influence your metabolism to the point where your hunger will decrease. Interested? If so, first respect Duckcrime's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. Some introspection needed?

> Here's your chance to be slim, or, at least, look slimmer. Wear caffeine tights. Body heat stimulates caffeine in the tights to leak through your pores--to speed up your metabolism, thereby burning fat, it is claimed. Seems like another experiment of equal merit would be to get falling-down drunk to see if you can fall off the floor.

> Apple Cider Vinegar, Lecithin, Kelp, Grapefruit Diet. Here's one that's been around for ages. Never went away. Interesting natural ingredients, but, never any impressive double-blind studies to prove claims. Piping hot, this is, nonetheless, a good sedative. You should sleep like a gnome on a concrete slab beneath a bridge.

> Apply a sunscreen loaded with caffeine. ??? Suppose this beats bathing with flea and tick soap.

> Control your hunger with earrings, custom-fitted to your ears so as to access acupressure points which will curb your appetite. Divine intervention might work, too.

> Retina / eyeglasses relationship to weight control? Yes, according to this sales pitch, the color lenses supposedly project a specific image onto your eyeballs which will reduce your desire to consume food. Rose-colored glasses? So, if it doesn't work on your appetite, you'll still gain a healthier outlook on life as a residual benefit?

> You're familiar with the smoking patch, loaded with nicotine, to enable you to throw away the crutch of cigarettes? Now comes a weight reduction patch to enable you to discard the gluttony crutch. Place anywhere on your body, lean back, relax, and lose weight. Words will not flow to our keyboard to even comment on this one.

Real head-scratchers, all. You could lose weight quickly, too, by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. If you choose this easily accessed method, right out of your own kitchen, you would be strongly advised to ignore the con man and first consult your physician.

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